From January 1st thru April 13th our monthly support percentage moved 3%. In our world that translated into, YOU WILL NOT BE FULLY FUNDED IN JUNE! As the calendar days ticked by we became more and more anxious, sad, and discouraged regarding our support raising efforts. Our souls began to move from resting in God to wrestling with God. We felt that we were doing our part by sharing our story, but He was not holding up His part of the bargain by turning that into monthly support as He has done before. After all, isn’t that how this whole equation works?
I, Brittany, finally got 30 minutes of solitude with God on Friday, April 15th, at SLA Training. I was meditating on Psalm 62:1-2 which says, “Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken” I pondered the question: Is He really my rock/fortress or do I have other things in my life that I look to for stability? My spouse? Finances?
Here is what I wrote in my journal: “In reflecting upon Psalm 62, my soul has not been very patient. I am anxious to hit the timetable we feel You have laid before us. I am impatient with Your progress. I am not resting in Your goodness. Instead, I am fearful of the passing time, schedule, and to do list. I don’t think I have placed anything higher than You, but if I have will You please show that to me. Connect me to Your heart for me.” I continued to write and God brought a thought to mind. I wrote, “At some point I’ve let my heart flip from, ‘Lord, please bring in the support so we can share Your Word, love on people, and help the church,’ to being, ‘Lord, please bring us support to ‘save face’, to spare our kids another change, to keep us on schedule.’”
My heart had transitioned from being God-focused to me-focused. A heart that was self-seeking, self-serving, and self-protecting. Not a heart that was reflective of God, but a heart that had placed something higher than God…and what I had placed higher was myself.
Immediately, I was convicted, broken, and asked for forgiveness. I wrote, “Please forgive me that my soul has not been waiting on You, ‘God alone’, and for thinking that action/inaction is the reason our numbers have not changed. Please forgive me that my silence/prayer isn’t really silence nor prayer, but my ramblings of an anxious heart and an un-rested spirit.”
As we drove into our driveway that night, Nate and I both agreed that coming home felt different. For the first time it felt temporary.
(Continued in Part 2)